New blog about 13 reasons to be glad you’re not a pregnant giraffe in captivity
April, April, April. You poor thing. Two months out from the day the media first reported your delivery was imminent, and the world is still waiting. Still watching. Still wondering what’s taking you so long to have this baby.
And I thought my pregnancies, and the ridiculous comments people made about everything from the size of my butt to the shape of my face, were brutal. You, girl, you have been put through the meat grinder of all crotch watches. And with no consent and zero concern for your privacy or your dignity.
The latest report I saw about your pregnancy confirmed, once again, that labor and delivery is impending. How do they know? Well, apparently “your belly is bulging” and your “baby is “sticking out.”
A recent Facebook update reported “Full udders, huge belly, mom ready – we just need the labor process to begin – so we are waiting for that final stage. “
Could you imagine the human version of this status update?
“Wow! Her breasts are so weighted down they are actually resting on the shelf of her enormous belly, and those swollen ankles… mom ready, OB needs to go golfing–let’s get this show on the road.”
So here are a few reasons I’m happy I’m not a pregnant giraffe in a zoo:
1. Giraffes are pregnant for 15 months on average. Enough said.
2. In captivity, or out, giraffe fathers don’t give shoulder massages and seem pretty much disengaged altogether. Look at this tidbit, provided by the Animal Adventure Park, about Oscar, April’s baby daddy. “Bulls (male giraffes) only really care about two things- fighting and the unmentionable. Oliver may share space with April, but for short periods. Bulls take no part in rearing young.”
3. If you are a particularly popular giraffe, they might set up a paid, open-to-the-public text alert service to keep anyone who is interested updated on the detailed progression of your labor. #Betsythegiraffecrotchwatch: Betsy’s cervix refuses to dilate beyond 5. She’s begging for an enema because the enormous pressure, down there, has her convinced she needs to poop.”
4. There might also be a Facebook page broadcasting a regular status report, no personal details spared: “April is reported to have her great demeanor this morning and a standard appetite. There is “wetness” around the back end, which is likely due to tail swishing of discharge.”
5. The fullness of your teats will be regularly monitored and shared.
6. Everything you eat is made public knowledge. “Betsy is eating coleslaw again. Hang on, what’s that? Is she bringing the bowl up to her mouth and drinking the actual salad dressing to satisfy her bizarre craving for vinegar?”
7. The size of your “manure” will be monitored, measured, and shared with the public.
8. The fact that your baby daddy tasted your urine to see if you were fertile before mating with you, will come back to haunt you when the giraffe “sex tape” is leaked to the public.
9. At any given time, an average of 200, 000 viewers could be tuned into your live cam and commenting on how boring your life, and your diet, and your labor is. They also might speculate your baby will be born on the full moon.
10. A major toy retailer might use the YouTube footage of your live birth cam to advertise even though you and your baby will never need anything from a baby product retailer.
11. No matter how exhausted you are, you have to give birth standing up otherwise risk crushing your baby as it exits your body.
12. Since your baby is pushed out while you are standing up, it must fall nearly six feet to the ground, or floor of your stall, with no one there to catch it because you won’t tolerate humans anywhere near you when you are giving birth.
13. Once you’ve given birth there will be a contest to determine which silly human name your keepers will call your baby.
Images from iStock
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