New blog about T-ball is a big waste of everyone’s time but we do it anyway
By Steve Calechman
“Dad, my stuffed squirrel wants to bat.”
“Sure. Go for it.”
The squirrel got a single.
My son, Milo, was 4 when he said it during last spring’s T-ball season. He played and I coached, and I put both those verbs in quotes. It was a first for both of us. I thought it would be good to do something organized and a chance to meet people in the neighborhood.
I talked to friends and was briefed on what to expect – the swarming to the ball, the lying down on the field, the running after dogs. So I came in with two goals. The kids have fun. No one gets hit with a bat. I have no clue about whether they had fun – 4-year-olds aren’t big sharers. I don’t even know how Milo felt. He rarely talked about the game and had no interest in ever wearing his uniform, but he never missed a week.
Check on Goal No. 2. I came in wise to another reality – the tedium of being a spectator, or to quote every parent who has done so, “Ugh.” I avoided the pain since I was always busy either throwing balls into the outfield for kids to chase down/stay awake or ensuring that Goal No. 2 was achieved.
Still, I could see how the action might be described as somewhat “ploddy.” If I was ever unsure, parents actually thanked me for “making things go so quickly,” a winning line on any resume. But here are a few words that I never heard put together. “T-ball. Awesome.”
With no excitement ever expressed by anyone ever in the history of the game ever, I’ll make a proposal: Get rid of it.
I played most sports as a kid. I’m a big fan of most sports. T-ball is one of the dumber ones ever. It’s slow. It’s complicated. Oh, and games take place at 5:30 in the afternoon. Now it’s the dumbest one ever.
And yet it’s a given on every rec department schedule. I understand getting kids outside when days are finally nice and getting longer. I also understand wanting other adults to be in charge of everything for an hour. I had no problem taking on the job.
But T-ball is a complete waste of time, since it involves nothing preschoolers like to do – like run, climb on stuff, look under rocks, eat crackers, unfold clean laundry. Or, as Jeff Bostic, a child psychologist at MedStar Georgetown University Hospital, says, “I’ve never seen a bunch of 4- and 5-year-olds organize a T-ball game.”
There’s a benefit to exposing kids to a little discomfort. My wife and I try to do that. Then there’s just foolishness, like making a tired, 4-year-old sit still through three hours of Chekhov. Actually, that would be easier than T-ball, since it would involve a chair.
I have to believe there’s a better activity, something that’s fun, safe-ish, maybe slips in a useful skill. In my head, there are massive relay races that require rolling around in leaf piles; burying a friend’s action figure in sand, then finding it; running like dinosaurs through a foam moat; brushing teeth in less than three requests; ending with the eating of pretzel-covered mac ‘n’ cheese. Teams would switch up every week and a parents’ division is certainly within reason.
I know. It’s genius stuff. It also probably won’t come together in the next three weeks, so I’ll continue to live outside my head and realize while I’m not a big fan of the sport, it’s not evil. It’s also not my sole decision.
An email started circulating in January among the parents in Milo’s class about the upcoming season. My usual approach would have been to wait until one week before to sign him up, but on the ride to school last month, I asked if he wanted to play again. He said yes quickly but with little excitement. Then he asked if one of his teammates would be back. He seemed more into it. Then he added, “But I’m not going to wear my uniform.”
I’ll get to see for myself since I’ll be back on the field as well.
Photos by iStock
Steve Calechman is a contributing editor for Men’s Health, freelance journalist and stand-up comedian. He’s worked with Louis CK and Sarah Silverman, and once, on a ladder. He wishes he knew as much about home repair as he does ‘80s rock music, but the latter got him second place on an episode of Jeopardy . He lives with his wife and two sons north of Boston. Everyone is invited to visit his website at stevecalechman.com.
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